‘Kill Them With Kindness’ Is Just Diet People-Pleasing

You ever notice how 'kill them with kindness' gets tossed around like it's the ultimate moral flex? Like if you just smile hard enough at someone who’s treating you like garbage, you automatically win some invisible prize for being the 'bigger person.'

Yeah... no. Let’s call it what it is: toxic positivity in a sparkly disguise.

It’s not about healthy boundaries. It’s about emotional gymnastics — pretending you’re fine while someone walks all over you, and then gaslighting yourself into thinking that’s what strength looks like.

Today, we’re digging into why 'kindness as a weapon' is actually a trap, how it teaches you to abandon your own feelings in favor of a performance, and what choosing real, honest kindness (the kind with actual backbone) really looks like. Because newsflash: you don’t get a gold star for being nice to people who’d step on you to reach a vending machine. Let's get into it.

So today we're tackling the classic ‘kill them with kindness’ — because nothing screams 'I'm totally fine, really!' like weaponizing fake smiles and passive-aggressive good vibes against people who are actively auditioning for the role of Villain in your life.

The idea sounds great in theory: you’re supposed to drown their bad behavior in so much sweetness and goodwill that they spontaneously combust from guilt and self-reflection. Cute. In reality? It’s like trying to put out a five-alarm dumpster fire with a Capri Sun straw. Spoiler alert: it doesn’t work, and you just end up sticky, exhausted, and still on fire.

And let's be real — most of the time when people say 'kill them with kindness,' what they really mean is 'suppress every single one of your actual emotions, pretend you're unbothered, and hope the universe sorts it out.' Which sounds suspiciously like the emotional equivalent of sweeping your feelings under a rug and then setting the whole house on fire.

At the end of the day, killing them with kindness isn’t about healing or boundaries or even maturity. It’s about performance. It’s about looking ‘good’ while you silently bleed internally, instead of confronting the real issues head-on. And newsflash: you don’t win an award for being the nicest doormat.

So if 'kill them with kindness' is just emotional cosplay for 'I'm fine, everything’s fine,' what’s the alternative? How do you actually stay kind without turning yourself into a human punching bag?

So we’re getting into what real kindness actually looks like — the kind with boundaries, backbone, and zero tolerance for emotional arsonists.

Because spoiler: true kindness isn’t about denying your anger, sugarcoating your hurt, or playing the martyr. It’s about telling the truth with compassion, protecting your peace like it’s your damn job, and refusing to perform sainthood for people who don’t even deserve a second glance.

So let's go.

First off, let’s be real — "kill them with kindness" is usually just a passive-aggressive way to avoid conflict without technically lying down on the floor and letting people use you as a welcome mat. Instead of confronting the issue, setting a boundary, or even just saying "hey, that was actually super not-okay," you slip into full Hallmark movie mode: big smiles, fake gratitude, and enough politeness to give yourself an emotional cavity.

And for what? So the jerk in question can feel like royalty while they stomp through your boundaries like Godzilla on a rampage? Congratulations — you’ve just rewarded bad behavior with premium customer service. That’s the real loyalty program no one asked to join.

Every time you respond to someone's disrespect with "Oh my gosh, no worries!" or "It’s fine, don’t even worry about it!" — even when it’s absolutely not fine — you’re basically handing them a permission slip to keep acting like a clown at your emotional circus. You’re not killing them with kindness. You’re killing yourself with repressed rage, forced smiles, and late-night shower arguments where you finally say all the things you should have said in real life.

And let's be real: nobody comes out of that feeling empowered. You come out feeling like a human doormat — but, you know, a really friendly doormat with monogrammed embroidery that says "Welcome!" while getting dragged through the mud.

Secondly, this whole "kill them with kindness" strategy can actually empower the jerk you’re trying to diffuse. You’re not disarming them; you’re making them think, “Wow, I can get away with anything as long as I’m a little rude and they just give me a free pass.” Congratulations! Now you’ve officially turned yourself into an emotional punching bag wrapped in a tender, polite exterior. If you’re not careful, the more you shower them with kindness, the more entitled they’ll feel to be even worse to you. And let’s not ignore the fact that you’re human, not a doormat. There are times when "killing them with kindness" just means stuffing down your own frustration until it comes out in a totally passive-aggressive way. Instead of confronting someone, you plaster on a smile, mutter through clenched teeth, and secretly plot your revenge like a villain in a soap opera. Kindness can be a mask that hides the fact that you're totally stewing under the surface, and eventually, it will explode. You know, like trying to bottle up a fizzy soda that’s shaking around too much. It’s gonna burst, and it’s not going to be pretty.

Let’s face it: sometimes people don’t deserve kindness. Sometimes, the best way to deal with a jerk is to call them out, set clear boundaries, and tell them to stop being a pain in the neck. "Kill them with kindness" makes you the emotional martyr, but martyrdom isn’t cute. It's not some romantic tragedy where you're the heroic figure enduring suffering for the greater good. It’s just you, being taken advantage of while trying to “stay nice.” The world doesn't always need more people playing nice. Sometimes, what the world actually needs is a little more directness and a lot less sugar-coated nonsense. So, while "killing them with kindness" might sound like a charmingly noble strategy, in practice, it’s just you trying to win the battle without even showing up to the war. Instead of suffocating under a pile of false niceties, how about you take off the kid gloves, set some boundaries, and show people that you can be polite without being a doormat? Trust me, the world will respect you way more if you actually stick up for yourself rather than covering everything in kindness like it's an edible glitter bomb.

Oh, masking true emotions—now that’s a classic move in the “kill them with kindness” playbook. Instead of actually dealing with someone who’s been a complete jerk to you, you slap on that fake smile and offer up a bouquet of “Oh, it’s fine!” and “I’m just so glad to be here!” while your inner rage is bubbling up like a pressure cooker with no valve. You know the drill: you’ve been wronged, you’re hurt, but hey, let’s just pretend it’s all sunshine and rainbows because… politeness. The irony here is palpable. The more you “kill them with kindness,” the more you’re burying your own feelings, creating an emotional landfill inside yourself that’s just waiting to explode one day, like a volcano covered by a cute little layer of flowers.

And don’t even get me started on how this impacts your mental health. When you suppress your feelings instead of confronting them, you’re not just avoiding conflict—you're creating it, internally. Suppression leads to all kinds of lovely side effects, like stress, anxiety, or random tension headaches that appear out of nowhere, all because you’re too busy pretending that everything is fine when it’s not. It's like shoving all your dirty laundry under the bed—yeah, you can't see it, but eventually, it’s going to stink up the whole room.

Take the example of that one "friend" — you know the one — who can’t seem to stop dropping little landmines into conversations. Instead of calling it out like a healthy, self-respecting human (“Hey, that was actually super not okay”), you slip into your emotional martyr costume, slap on your biggest customer service smile, and decide to “kill them with kindness.” Which, in this case, basically means clapping like a trained seal while they roast your dignity alive.

Congrats, you’re now the CEO of Enabling Bad Behavior, Inc.

You’re not protecting your peace — you’re tossing it into a wood chipper while humming a Taylor Swift song about being unbothered.

Over time, all that fake chill starts to stack up like unpaid parking tickets. You’re bottling resentment like it’s a fine vintage — except instead of getting more valuable with age, it ferments into pure, unfiltered rage. You start thinking you’re cool, that you’re “above it,” but inside you’re five passive-aggressive comments away from burning the whole friendship to the ground.

And here's where it gets real cute: eventually, you might catch yourself doing petty little revenge acts without even realizing it — "accidentally" leaving them out of plans, sending one-word "lol" texts to their 17-paragraph rants, maybe even secretly hoping they get a mild case of diarrhea before their big presentation. (Look, I'm not proud, I'm just saying it happens.)

Meanwhile, emotional exhaustion has officially shown up like a sleazy landlord banging on your door at 3 a.m., demanding back pay. And guess what? It’s not leaving. It’s moving in, raiding your fridge, and stealing your last shred of patience. All because you thought that if you were "nice enough," people would magically respect you. Spoiler: they don't. They just learn you’ll tolerate their crap without consequences.

By masking your true feelings, you’re not just avoiding the problem — you’re turning it into a ticking emotional time bomb with a smiley face sticker slapped on the side. Every "it’s fine" when it’s definitely not fine is like stuffing one more sock into an already overpacked suitcase: eventually, something’s gonna burst, and it’s not gonna be pretty. Spoiler: it’s probably going to be you, ugly crying in the car after holding it together for way too long.

When you swallow your anger, your hurt, your frustration — all in the name of being the "nice" one — you're not solving anything. You’re basically marinating in your own resentment until you’re so seasoned with bitterness that even you can’t stand the taste anymore. Emotional Suppression City isn’t just a sad little place — it’s a full-on ghost town where your needs, your self-respect, and your inner peace go to die.

So next time someone crosses a line, don’t reach for the customer service voice and the "no worries!" auto-reply. Speak the hell up. Set the boundary. Name the thing. Rip the metaphorical Band-Aid off before the wound gets infected. Because at the end of the day, honesty isn’t cruel — pretending you're okay when you’re bleeding out internally is. And trust me, nobody’s handing out trophies for being the best at silent suffering.

There's also enabling toxic behavior—the gift that keeps on giving. If you’ve ever responded to someone treating you like absolute garbage with an overly polite, “Oh, don’t worry about it, I’m just so glad you’re here!” then congratulations, you’ve just signed up to be the human doormat in their toxic little soap opera. Because guess what? Excessive kindness isn't some magical superpower that transforms someone's inner jerk into a friendly, respectful human being. Oh no, it’s more like putting out a neon “Please, walk all over me” sign. And guess what? They’ll totally take advantage of it.

When you keep responding with sweetness and politeness in the face of disrespect, all you’re really doing is saying, “Hey, keep treating me like crap—I'll be fine, I promise!” Toxic people? They thrive on this nonsense. If your colleague is constantly swiping credit for your hard work and you just smile and nod like it’s no big deal, guess what happens next? They think it's totally fine to keep doing it. You’re giving them a free pass to continue their BS behavior with zero consequences, which is like giving a toddler a cookie every time they throw a tantrum. Spoiler alert: the tantrums never stop, but the cookies keep coming.

The more you keep being overly kind, the more you signal to that toxic person that you’ll tolerate their bad behavior indefinitely. Suddenly, you’ve found yourself trapped in a disrespectful relationship, whether it’s with a friend, a colleague, or even a family member. And don’t even get me started on the frustration that follows when you realize they’ve never learned to respect your boundaries because you’ve been too busy playing the role of the “nice one” who never rocks the boat. You can smile until your face falls off, but guess what? That person still thinks they can walk all over you because you never actually said, “Hey, knock it off, or there are consequences.”

In the long run, all this excessive kindness does is breed a relationship where boundaries are as useful as a screen door on a submarine. People will start to think, “Why change my behavior when this person keeps accepting my crap with a smile?" And then you'll end up doing the emotional equivalent of banging your head against a wall, wondering why the same problems keep coming up. News flash: they’ll keep coming up until you stop enabling the nonsense and start setting some real boundaries. So, next time you catch yourself thinking, “Oh, it’s fine, I’ll just be nice about it,” remember that you might just be giving that toxic person a free pass to keep being a jerk. If you don’t want to be stuck in that never-ending loop of frustration, it’s time to stop being their personal punching bag wrapped in a pretty, polite bow.

And of course, there's avoiding necessary conflict resolution—because who doesn’t love a good, deep, uncomfortable conversation, right? Oh wait, no one. But here’s the thing: sometimes you have to have those uncomfortable chats if you actually want things to get better. “Killing them with kindness” might feel like a quick fix, but in reality, it’s like slapping a band-aid on a bullet wound. Sure, it covers up the surface, but the underlying issue? Still there, festering and rotting under that shiny veneer of politeness.

Think about it—kindness might help you dodge the immediate discomfort of confrontation, but it doesn’t make the problem go away. If you’re in a romantic relationship, and your partner keeps doing that one thing that makes you want to throw a pillow across the room, responding with kindness every time is just setting you up for future resentment. You don’t want to talk about it, because it’s easier to smile, nod, and pretend it’s not a big deal. But let’s be real: every time you do that, you’re letting a tiny bit of your soul die. The more you dodge the conversation, the more you build up that low-key frustration, and eventually, you’ll explode like an overstuffed turkey on Thanksgiving—except instead of a joyful meal, it’s an emotional meltdown that could have been avoided if you just said, “Hey, can we talk about this?”

Now, avoiding conflict might seem like the peaceful route, but it’s like trying to ignore a problem and hoping it will magically resolve itself, only to find out it’s actually growing into a giant monster behind your back. You’re building a house of cards, waiting for it to fall, and when it does, it’s not going to be pretty. The longer you avoid confronting issues, the bigger they get. What started as a small, manageable problem turns into a full-blown communication breakdown. Now, instead of just saying, “Hey, I don’t like it when you leave dirty socks on the floor,” you’re holding a silent grudge and side-eyeing them every time they walk past. So much for peace, huh?

And here’s the kicker: by avoiding necessary conflict, you’re actually robbing yourself of personal growth. Real growth comes from confronting challenges, facing uncomfortable situations head-on, and learning to navigate through them. If you keep playing the “kill them with kindness” card, you’re not evolving. You’re just creating a nice little emotional prison where no one’s allowed to express anything real. In the long run, that’s way more damaging than having an awkward but necessary conversation. It's like trying to keep a plant alive by never watering it—eventually, it’ll wilt and die, but hey, at least it didn’t make you uncomfortable while it was slowly dying, right?

So, while kindness is great in moderation, sometimes it’s better to put down the sugar-coated niceness and just say what you need to say. Healthy conflict is where the magic happens—where people actually learn about each other, figure out their needs, and maybe even come out of it stronger. If you never have those tough talks, all you're doing is postponing the inevitable. And trust me, nothing good ever came from avoiding the truth.

And speaking of postponing the inevitable, there's the emotional burnout—because nothing screams "I have my life together" like pretending everything is fine when you’re basically running on empty. Think about it: every time you force kindness when you’re feeling like a hot mess of anger, frustration, or exhaustion, you’re just burning yourself out faster than a phone with a cracked screen. You’re giving away energy you don’t have, all while stuffing your own emotional needs down like they're a pair of jeans that no longer fit but you're still trying to squeeze into. It’s exhausting, and spoiler alert, it’s not sustainable.

When you’re already at the end of your rope and still smiling through the storm, you’re essentially treating your own emotions like an inconvenience that doesn’t deserve a seat at the table. You push aside your own feelings—your exhaustion, frustration, or hurt—and instead, you paint a picture of perfectly functioning human being. But the truth? You’re draining the life out of yourself. It’s like running a marathon with no training, and every step you take just makes you more miserable. You’re pouring energy into something you don't have, and when you finally collapse at the end of the day, there's nothing left but a crumpled heap of emotional wreckage.

And let’s talk about the aftermath, shall we? Once you’ve “killed them with kindness,” you’re not sitting there basking in some glorious moral victory — you’re sitting there emotionally bankrupt, staring into the void, wondering why everything feels vaguely terrible.

You’ve spent all your emotional energy throwing parades for other people's bad behavior, bending over backward to meet their needs, their comfort levels, their fragile egos — and now you’ve got nothing left in the tank for yourself. You’re overdrawn at the Bank of Emotional Well-Being, and guess what? There’s no bailout coming.

And if you keep doing it — if you keep handing out fake kindness like discount coupons at a clearance sale — you don’t just get tired. You get disconnected. From your own feelings. From your own needs. From your actual self.

You end up living in this weird knockoff version of your own life, where you smile and nod and say all the “right” things, but deep down you’re screaming, “Wait... where the hell did I go?”

You become like a kindness robot — programmed to be agreeable, palatable, non-threatening — but internally you’re running Windows 95 and about three seconds away from a total emotional system crash.

It’s not strength. It’s not maturity. It’s a slow, miserable erasure of yourself in the name of "being nice."

And newsflash: you don’t owe anyone your self-abandonment to keep the peace.

Take the example of a stressful day where you’ve been slammed with work, and the last thing you want is to put on your “happy face” and spread sunshine. But because you’re such a saint, you decide to "kill them with kindness" instead of just saying, "You know what? I’m not in the mood." Afterward? You’re going to be emotionally wiped out. Like, so drained that when you finally get home, you’ll probably stare at your couch and wonder if it would judge you for just crawling into a ball and taking a nap on it. But hey, at least you were polite, right? Wrong.

Suppressing your feelings for the sake of kindness isn’t a badge of honor; it’s an express train to burnout town, with no stops. When you’re always the one to make sure everyone else’s needs are met while ignoring your own, eventually you’ll hit the wall—and that wall? It’s going to hit hard. So, instead of constantly pretending that everything is fine, maybe it’s time to start actually taking care of your own emotional needs. You can’t pour from an empty cup, and at some point, you’ll realize that being the perpetual giver of kindness doesn’t make you a hero—it just makes you a tired, emotionally wrecked person who’s desperately searching for a nap.

Truly nothing says “I’m totally in control of my life” like constantly letting others walk all over you just to keep the peace. If you’re dishing out kindness like it's candy, thinking you're doing the world a favor, all while ignoring your own needs, congratulations! You've officially signed up for a one-way ticket to self-esteem erosion. It’s like being a human doormat with a "Welcome" sign that you keep politely holding out for people to wipe their dirty shoes on. Spoiler alert: You’re not winning any “Best Boundary Setter” awards with that strategy.

Excessive kindness isn’t just a habit; it’s a self-sabotage method. When you’re so focused on keeping everyone else comfortable, making sure everyone’s happy, and smoothing over every little bump in the road, you might as well be saying, "My needs? Oh, they don't matter as much as yours. You go ahead, I’ll just stand over here and take whatever you dish out." Now, does that sound like someone who’s in touch with their power? Not even close. That’s like giving away your personal agency like it’s free samples at a grocery store. You're so busy trying to win people over that you forget the most important relationship you need to nurture is with yourself.

And here's where the fun begins: when you keep prioritizing others' comfort over your own, it starts to erode your sense of self-worth. At first, maybe you think, "Oh, I’m just being nice." But over time, you’ll realize you’re sacrificing your own boundaries to maintain the illusion that everyone’s happy. And what's the end result? You start feeling like you have nothing left to give because you’ve been too busy pouring from an empty cup. Guess what? That cup was yours to fill, and you just handed it out to everyone else for free.

Let’s take an example: maybe you’re dealing with someone who’s constantly taking advantage of your kindness—like, maybe your friend keeps bailing on plans and you just smile and say, “It’s okay, I understand!” Well, it’s not okay. If you don’t stand up for yourself, you’ll start getting walked all over, and that’s not the kindness you want to promote. It’s the kindness of a pushover, and that’s not doing anyone any favors. Your sense of empowerment shrivels up, and your self-esteem? Well, it starts to feel like a deflated balloon.

You can’t be the go-to person for everyone else’s comfort while ignoring your own. If you don’t advocate for yourself, you’ll end up running on fumes, hoping someone will notice you’re dying on the inside. News flash: they won’t. People can smell desperation for approval from a mile away. If you keep de-prioritizing your needs, you’re not only disempowering yourself, but you’re also teaching others that your boundaries are optional. And trust me, that's a lesson no one needs to learn. So stop playing the "kindness martyr" and start respecting your own needs. Your self-worth is not a negotiation.

Really, though, here’s the deal: "killing them with kindness" sounds like a nice, shiny little nugget of wisdom, right? The ultimate "peacekeeper’s dream." Like, wow, what an emotionally evolved human being you are for responding to garbage behavior with rainbows and polite smiles. Somebody get this person a Nobel Peace Prize.

But in reality? It’s the emotional equivalent of slapping a glittery “SORRY ABOUT THE LEAK!” sticker over a busted pipe that’s spraying sewage into your living room.

Sure, from a distance, it might look like you're keeping things clean and under control. Maybe even inspirational, if someone squints hard enough. But underneath that fake sweetness, you’re still drowning — not just in other people’s bad behavior, but in your own tidal wave of unresolved resentment, emotional neglect, and low-key self-abandonment.

Because here’s the ugly truth no one tells you: fake kindness doesn’t heal. It doesn’t fix the relationship. It doesn’t make them change. It just buries the problem under another layer of "everything’s fine" until eventually, you’re knee-deep in emotional toxic waste, wondering why you can’t breathe anymore.

So yeah, maybe "killing them with kindness" wins you points for being likable or unproblematic for about five minutes. But spoiler: those points won’t help when you’re sitting alone, exhausted, hollowed out, and quietly wondering why you don’t even recognize your own damn reflection anymore.

If you’re always plastering on that smile and doling out kindness like it’s a free buffet at your emotional expense, guess what? You’re basically signing up for a lifetime of frustration and silent frustration. You can’t keep shoving your feelings down just to keep the peace—because it’s not peace, it’s just a landmine waiting to explode. Pretending everything’s fine is a recipe for emotional detonation, and you’re just sitting there waiting for the countdown. Spoiler alert: it’s not going to be pretty when it goes off.

The truth is, kindness is a tool — not a weapon, not a costume, and definitely not a self-imposed gag order. When you use kindness right, it builds real bridges. It creates meaningful connection. It says, "Hey, I respect myself and I respect you enough to keep it real." But when you use kindness like a mask — just to dodge confrontation, or pretend you’re totally fine while quietly plotting someone’s slow demise over text — it turns into a toxic crutch. A shiny, sweet-smelling crutch, sure. But you’re still hobbling around emotionally, wondering why everything feels fake as hell. It’s like pretending to love a cake that tastes like sweetened drywall because you don’t want to hurt the baker’s feelings. At first, you're all "Mmm, so good, wow, love the texture!" But by slice three, you’re dry heaving into a napkin and everyone can tell your soul has left your body. Faking it doesn’t protect anyone. It just makes everything weirder. So how about this instead? Next time, skip the performance. Be both kind and assertive. You can still be polite while making it extremely clear you’re not here to be a doormat.

Assertiveness isn’t about yelling or throwing chairs — it’s about standing tall, speaking your truth, and holding your ground without needing a drama explosion to validate your feelings. You’re not being "mean" by setting boundaries. You’re being honest. You’re being healthy. You’re choosing real peace — the kind that comes after a clear conversation, not the fake "I’m totally fine!" kind that requires emotional janitorial work for weeks afterward. Because here’s the thing: the real peace? The good peace? It doesn’t come from bottling your feelings and hoping you don’t explode at an Olive Garden six months later. It comes from knowing you spoke your truth, you kept your dignity intact, and you didn’t have to sacrifice your damn soul just to seem “nice.” No games. No fake smiles. No eating drywall cake to keep the vibe chill. Just real, solid human connection — with yourself first, and everybody else second.

So next time you feel yourself reaching for that good old "kill them with kindness" move, do yourself a favor and pause.

Ask yourself: Am I doing this because it’s truly about peace... or am I just trying to duct-tape over my own discomfort with a fake smile and a repressed mental breakdown? Because if it’s the latter — and let’s be honest, it usually is — you’re not keeping the peace. You’re just kicking your own emotional needs down the road like an abandoned soda can, straight toward burnout city. And let me tell you: burnout city sucks. It’s all bad vibes, no boundaries, and enough bottled resentment to power a mid-sized country. You don’t want to live there. Nobody even visits on purpose. Kindness without boundaries is like trying to keep a houseplant alive by just vaguely thinking good thoughts at it instead of, you know, giving it actual sunlight and water. Spoiler: it dies. So will your relationships — with yourself and everyone else — if you keep pretending that politeness alone is enough to make things healthy.

So yes: be kind. Be gracious. Be compassionate. But for the love of all that is good and holy, be real too. Because fake kindness isn’t noble — it’s emotional self-sabotage with glitter on it. And you deserve way better than that.

So should you always choose kindness? Yes — but don’t lose yourself doing it. Kindness without truth isn’t peacekeeping; it’s self-erasure. Choose better. Choose real.

Thanks for pushing play on another episode of Shrink Wrapped. Please like, review, subscribe, and kindly share with a friend who maybe needs to make some better choices. Don't forget that you can also find us over on the Oneil Counseling app- where you can also find blog posts with text transcripts of each podcast episode, as well as a whole little social media community you can join!

Next week we're jumping back into another DSM Dive with OCD, and spoiler alert: it's not just touching doorknobs 3 times every time you leave. So I'll see you there!